A Storied Framework of Friendship
A Review of
How to Be a Friend (In an Unfriendly World)
Barnet Bain
Hardcover: Wiley, 2025
Buy Now: [ BookShop ] [ Amazon ] [ Kindle ]
Reviewed by Eric Herron
Even before page one of How to Be a Friend (In an Unfriendly World), an epigraph reveals the answer to the conundrum posed in the title. In fact, the first sentence of the paragraph-long quote from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe gives it away: “I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element…”
For those who are less attuned to 18th century German polymaths and perhaps more influenced by 21th century American drag queens, RuPaul puts a finer point on it: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” To be clear, RuPaul doesn’t appear in this book, but just this week I was reminded of those words as two podcast bros were discussing another recently published book touching on the difficulty of forming male friendships.
It seems that this “love oneself to love others” idea is common knowledge across time and across different cultures, though it also seems that we struggle to make it common practice. The author of How to Be a Friend attempts to move us from knowing to doing and being.
Barnet Bain is a Canadian creator, known for his production of movies such as What Dreams May Come (1998) and The Celestine Prophecy (2006). He’s more recently known for his college courses in the fields of creativity and spirituality. This book is based on his Columbia University course called “Artistry and Personal Spirituality.”
Unlike other courses that rely on historical facts or scientific data, Bain’s approach is more descriptive and prescriptive, fitting comfortably within the “self-help” genre. While this category may not be immediately attractive to some (myself included), it’s really just indicative of a book that intermingles psychology and spirituality with the goal of personal change.
I suspect Bain comes from a Christian background; however, apart from a brief mention or two of Jesus, all the spiritual concepts are communicated with a more universally appealing religious tone, often incorporating language suitable to the Buddhist tradition. There are almost no Bible verses or references to external sources other than scattered quotes, no footnotes or endnotes as one might expect from a college course or textbook. Instead, Bain opts for a fluid conversation that uses brief anecdotes to communicate his thesis.
The book follows a tripartite structure that reflects the author’s experience as a storyteller, using the metaphor of three “stories” to describe our human experience. The First Story is the unique situation into which a person is born. The Second Story is the person’s attempt to triumph over the challenges presented by their First Story. The Third Story is the person’s shift away from a “subject-object” orientation and toward a recognition that “the other is me.” (This last point builds upon Bain’s 2013 book, The Third Story: Awakening Love That Transforms.)
One gets the sense that these First, Second, and Third Stories occur chronologically through a person’s lifetime; however, there’s also the implicit suggestion that the experience of all three Stories is not a foregone conclusion for everyone. The progression, according to Bain, requires intentional growth in fundamental psychological-spiritual concepts that we must first apply to ourselves and then to others. Bain calls these concepts “The Nine Tools of Friending.” They include being present; providing safety; reducing fear of loss, humiliation, and shame; honoring one’s journey; providing pleasure; listening deeply; prioritizing commitment; seeking forgiveness; and seeing each person clearly.
I must admit, halfway through I judged that this book was simply a repackaging of popular human psychology, especially in its focus on those “Nine Tools.” It wasn’t until Bain introduced the mystical twist of the Third Story that I encountered something truly fresh. Perhaps I engaged more deeply at this point in the book because I locate myself somewhere near the beginning of that “deeper layer of self-examining” represented by the Third Story.
According to Bain, as we become “aware of our psychological framework and structure—our matrix of thought and belief, choice and decision,” we are then prepared to receive the perspective-shifting reality of the Third Story. This is the knowledge and acceptance that “the other is me.” Incidentally, this revelation may also explain why the word “friend” appears far fewer times than one would assume in a book about friendship.
In friendship, we are “the decisive element,” not only because we must first befriend ourselves to befriend another, but also because… there is no other. Loving your neighbor as yourself starts—and ends—with you. That is a conclusion far beyond the bounds of “pop” psychology, and one I’ll be attempting to put into practice for years to come.
Eric Herron
Eric Herron holds a Masters in Theology and the Arts from Fuller Seminary. In addition to writing witty copy for a popular grocery store chain, Eric is the author of Future Xian on Substack, where he’s seriously reconsidering everything he learned as a seminary student, pastor, and missionary.
 Reading for the Common Good From ERB Editor Christopher Smith "This book will inspire, motivate and challenge anyone who cares a whit about the written word, the world of ideas, the shape of our communities and the life of the church." -Karen Swallow Prior Enter your email below to sign up for our weekly newsletter & download your FREE copy of this ebook! |
Understanding Christian Nationalism [A Reading Guide] |
 Most Anticipated Books of the Fall for Christian Readers!
|
 Hilarious One-Star Customer Reviews of Bibles |
